Twists and Turns

When I learned my first child would be a girl I was overjoyed. I couldn’t wait for my little sidekick to arrive. I pictured a sweet and willing companion to take on all of life’s twists and turns with me, always on the same side. Us against the world. I did not realize that being her mom would throw me for a fucking loop.

She arrived like a bull in a china shop, two weeks early, dramatic and on her own schedule. In her early months she was either sleeping or crying with very little in between. She was a baby with whom mommy and me yoga was out of the question. The moment I tried to lay her down to attempt a pose, she set me straight. Her default expression was fucking unimpressed. To add to it, I didn’t see postpartum coming and it brought me to my knees, shattering everything I had previously felt confident in, making me question so much I knew about myself.

That first year as a mom was one of the toughest of my life. It quickly became clear to me that while my role as a parent was to guide and teach my child how to move through the world, her role would be to completely reshape me. Seeing the world through her eyes would help me unlearn so much conditioning I didn’t even know I had. My daughter has shown me how to fucking live. She is fiercely loyal to those she loves and she doesn’t bother with what is not worthy of her time. She is strong, radiant, smart, earnest, silly and all of the best fucking things a little person can be. Six months ago she became a big sister to a little boy (who I’ll write a very different love letter to eventually) and I’m so proud of how she’s taken on that role with all the pride and passion and grace one can muster. We’ve been spending more time together lately under quarantine and I couldn’t ask for a more motivating pandemic companion. I recently taught her to say “Girls rule!” Which she shouts unprompted at the absolutely right fucking time and there’s nothing better.


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